The Epiphany
by TheBreakingDawn333
Summary: Seth wakes up one morning and has an epiphany that will change the lives of everyone in the twilight universe forever...sort of. M for language and lemony references. It's a comedy and a two-shot
1. Olivia, OMG, and Boners

The Epiphany

**Well the story description pretty much says it all. This is another attempt of mine to pursue…comedy o_o all from Seth's POV**

**Anyway, let's go!**

**Part 1: The Epiphany**

When I woke up this morning, I had an epiphany

Now, in the dictionary, an epiphany is defined as: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Now I don't know what that means, because hell that's a lot of words, but all I know is that a sudden, simple thought occurred to me, and I had to share it with the whole pack. I picked up my phone and called Jake.

"Hello?" He said, sounding tired.

"Jake, get over here, I'm in my room."

"What? Why?"

"I need to talk about boners." Silence then a hurried.

"I'll be over in 1 minute." The line went dead and I frowned, did he think I wanted to have sex? I told him that wasn't happening for a little while.

"Hm, maybe I should have been more speci…" Suddenly there was a banging on my window, Jake was right outside.

"Holy shit he's fast." I said shocked. I opened the window and he jumped inside.

"Ok four play first or just jump right in?"

"N-no Jake I don't want to fuck, where did you get that idea?" I said confused. He just stared at me.

"You…are you kidding right now? I just shifted and ran my ass off to get over here…and we aren't even gonna fool around!" He looked very frustrated and I frowned.

"I was…well, I don't even know how you got that idea!"

"Ok, you said talk, which led to me led to mouth, then boner, which…well…mouth boner…"

"Oh! Jake you shouldn't be so…ah!"

"You shouldn't be so misleading!" He growled.

"Now…anyway, what is it you wanted?"

"I wanted to talk about boners…not SUCK on one." He sighed.

"What do you want to know?"

"How does a boner get hard?" He raised an eyebrow.

"You haven't learned about that in health class?"

"Not yet…Sex ed isn't until after Christmas break."

"Well…when you get…excited or aroused…like you do to me." I smiled big and he smiled back.

"Blood starts pumping down there and makes you big and hard."

"That's it! Blood!" I said. He frowned.

"Um…what's all this about?"

"Jake…I had an epiphany!" Thunder crashed outside and rain started to pour and I frowned.

"That was…really convenient." I grabbed him by the hand.

"Come on…we need to head to Emily's…and we need to call everyone together."

"What? What epiphany? Do you even know what that means?"

"It means a lot of big words and little complicated words! Now let's go!" I raced out of the room, dragging him behind me. We rushed out the front door and I pulled my pants off and shifted. He did the same and soon we were running for Emily's.

"Will you please…?" Suddenly he was reading my mind and I could hear his shock.

"That…oh my god! It's so true!"

"I know right!" I said. He started busting up laughing and I smiled.

"When we get there start calling all of the pack so we can tell them!"

"Oh my god they are gonna die! Then we go straight to the Cullens and tell them ok?"

"Ok." I said. We arrived and shifted back and put our pants on before running in.

"Guys?" Emily said.

"Emily, start calling all of the pack and tell them to get over here…my little imprint here had an epiphany.

"Oh?" He whispered into her ear and her eyes lit up.

"Oh…my…god." She picked up the phone and started calling. Half an hour later the entire pack was packed into the kitchen, and 20 minutes later they finally stopped laughing after I told them.

"Oh my god! You're brilliant!" Paul said, holding his side. I beamed; I knew everyone would realize my brilliance eventually.

"Alright alright settle down everyone." Sam said, taking a deep breath.

"Now I realize this…development is hilarious but…we need to find out how it happened."

"We'll handle that." Jake said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

"Alright, come tell us how it turns out after." Paul laughed.

20 minutes later we were standing in front of the Cullen house and I gave Jake a kiss before knocking on the door.

"Hello boys!"Carlisle said happily.

"Hi Carlisle…is Edward here?" I asked.

"We need to talk to him." Jacob added. Carlisle shrugged.

"I believe he's here…Edward?" He called. He invited us in and we did gratefully, it was still raining outside.

"Need a towel?"

"Nah we'll dry naturally." Jake chuckled, steam coming off his shoulders.

"Did you call Carlisle?" Edward said, Bella behind him.

"Yes, Jacob and Seth have something to talk about."

"Oh?" Edward said.

"Ya, um, Edward, we sort of have a question to ask you about…um…sex." Bella and Carlisle looked away uncomfortable and Edward just stared.

"I…see." He was reading my mind, but it didn't matter, I had to ask anyway.

"So…to get a boner you need blood to rush to your dick, but you're a vampire…wouldn't it be impossible?" Carlisle fake coughed to hide his laughing and Bella still looked extremely embarrassed.

"I…it's…a valid question…but I still drink blood and that's what rushes…down there." He said. I frowned.

"But what about sperm? You shouldn't be able to produce any."

Carlisle looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh, Bella looked extremely uncomfortable, and Edward would have been blushing if it wasn't impossible for vamps.

"I…I don't…know." He said, seeming royally confused.

BOOM

Thunder struck right outside the house, the door burst open, and in walked…someone I didn't know.

"Hello." The woman said.

"W-who are you? Why are you in my house?" Carlisle snapped.

"My name is Stephanie Meyer." The woman said. We all just stared at her.

"Um…who?" I said. She smiled.

"I created all of you." Again, we just stared at her.

"You…what?" Edward said.

"You see, you are all part of a book series I wrote called the Twilight Saga…"

"Um…ok?" Jacob said. She frowned.

"But something's wrong…you aren't supposed to be gay Jacob, same for you Seth!" I laughed.

"I've been gay since I was born you crazy bitch."

"Um, back to how you 'created' us?" Bella said. She sighed.

"Oh right, anyway, I had a dream and wrote a book called Twilight, staring all of you! I then wrote another called New Moon, then Eclipse, and then I finished the series with Breaking dawn! They have become such huge hits in the real world that I now have a huge movie franchise from it!" We continued to stare at her.

"Ok um…let's say this is all true." Edward said.

"Then tell me, why are you here?" She sighed.

"I'm here, because you are all questioning how it was possible Nessie was made…"

"Ya about that…if it's true this was in a book, shouldn't you see that as a huge ass plot hole?" Seth said. She frowned.

"Of course not, there is an explanation for that."

"Oh?"

"Magic." She said. We all just stared at her.

"Are you an idiot along with crazy?" I said. She glared at me.

"Go f*** yourself."

"So I have a question." Bella said. She looked at her.

"If you wrote us…well first off, what book does the Volturi confrontation take place?"

"The last one, Breaking Dawn." She said proudly.

"Um well I got a question about that…the whole thing became super intense and scary…but in the end nothing happened at all. It was all actually really, really boring in fact. If I was reading that, I would be extremely disappointed by the anti-climaticness of it all…why did you make it like that?"

"I…hate violence." She said.

"Another thing, why did you make Edward such a whiny bitch and not make him turn me FOREVER!" Bella growled. Edward stared at her.

"What the hell?"

"No dude she's right." Jacob said. I nodded and so did Carlisle.

"You did wait for an ridiculous amount of time." Carlisle added.

"It was supposed to be romantic! He was too afraid to turn…"

"OMG!" Alice squealed. We all jumped as she ran into the room, holding a copy of a book labeled 'The Host'.

"OMG! Stephanie Meyer! Why are you here! You wrote my favorite book! When's the next one coming out?" We all just stared at her.

"Um Alice…." I quickly explained and she dropped her jaw.

"W-hat? OMG! Who plays me in the movie!"

"Um…Ashley Greene."

"I don't know her, GOOGLE TIME!" she disappeared and Stephanie shook her head.

"Alice like a teenage girl, you two gay…this isn't how I wrote it! I don't understand…" She snapped her finger.

"I got it! This is fan fiction!"

"Wait!" Edward snapped. She jumped and stared at us.

"What?"

"I don't understand…if this isn't how you made us, what are we supposed to be like?"

"Well Alice is actually smart, not an air headed fan girl. Jacob isn't gay, and in fact fights for Bella's love, but loses to Edward, but imprints on your daughter Nessie, and Seth isn't gay, because no one apparently is gay in this universe." We all just stared at her.

"No one's gay? What are you homophobic?" Edward said.

"My daughter? She's so young! You're sick!" Bella snapped.

"Vaginas are eww." Jacob added quietly, nuzzling my neck.

"I agree with Jake!" I added.

"They are like…holes that just keep going and going and they scare me." I shivered.

"Also, if I'm not supposed to be gay, what do I do?"

"Well to be honest, you aren't that important in the story…I only use you every once in a while and never fully develop you."

"I feel like despite that, I have a freakishly large following." I said.

"Yes you do." She said.

"So I've only seen all those other vampires at the Volturi confrontation in…what was it? Breaking Dawn? Anyway I've only seen them once and then never again…"

"Ya." She said.

"If this was a book, it's like you just added a bazillion characters and never developed any of them…don't you see that as bad story telling?"

"Not at all!"

"Puh, at least in Harry potter she actually developed characters." I muttered. Stephanie glared at me.

"Go f*** yourself."

"Another question…why do you make us says such huge ass words that no one in a million years would use?" Carlisle said.

"Also, why do I keep reading Wuthering Heights? It's a shitty ass book!" Bella snapped

"Why can't I read something that doesn't suck, like The Hunger Games?"

"Why you so fat." Jacob snapped.

"IM NESSIE!" The little girl cried at the foot of the stairs.

"No you're not! Now that I understand we are in a book written by her, your new name is something less confusing and stupid, like Nicole, or Olivia, because we actually love you and don't want you to get the crap beat out of you at school." Bella said.

"OMG I am so hot!" Alice cried, appearing out of nowhere.

"STOP!" Stephanie roared. We all shut up and stared at her.

"Just…god! One question at a time! I use big words because its smart, you read Wuthering Heights because I love it, and Nessie's name is special!" we all stared at her.

"Why you so fat." Jacob said. She glared at him.

"Go f*** yourself."

"I am soooo hot!" Alice giggled.

"Seriously! Mrs. Meyers! Who plays the rest of us!" Alice asked. She smiled.

"Well, Peter Facinelli plays you Carlisle."

"Who?" he said.

"Robert Pattinson plays you Edward."

"That dude from Harry Potter?" he said.

"Jacob, Taylor Lautner plays you."

"I don't understand, if you don't want me to be gay why do you have that guy playing me? Also, SHARK BOY! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" He roared.

"He's not gay!" She growled. I laughed.

"Oh honey, yes he is…what about me?"

"Boo Boo Stewart." I just stared at her.

"You bitch, that's the stupidest name I've ever heard."

"I thought we had this discussion already." Someone muttered, not sure who.

"Alright, what about me?" Bella said. She smiled wide.

"I found the perfect one for you my dear…Kristin Stewart." Bella disappeared behind Stephanie and snapped her neck. The body fell to the floor and we all stared at her.

"NOOO! BELLA WTF!" Alice whined, cradling the woman's head in her lap.

"She let that talentless bitch play me, she must die!" Bella roared.

"Actually she's pretty good in The Runaways…" Carlisle said.

"STFU!" Alice whined.

"Now she can never make a sequel to The Host!"

"Please, that bitch probably quit writing after our books got huge…anyway, this way her shitty writing with her big ass words and her small complicated words, can never harm anyone ever again…." Bella said with a smile.

"Come here Olivia." The former Nessie rushed forward and hugged her.

"Thank you mommy!"

"She can't hurt future generations…but the rest of us must live with the memory of her shitty writing and mediocre movies for the rest of our lives…" Bella said sadly.

"Hey! I'm actually kinda hot!" I giggled, staring at the pic of Boo Boo Stewart I googled on my phone.

**Well to make things clear, I love the characters in the books…but I just think the books were poorly written, the movies are only good because Taylor is shirtless, and Stephanie is a bitch for making a boring book like the Host, and then never finishing the story.**

**Seriously, if you want a well written book, with next to no plot holes, read The Hunger Games, or the Gone series, or fucking Percy Jackson for fuck sake.**

**And yes, I am a gay man that things Vaginas are eww**

**Please review!**


	2. Poodles, Talentless assholes, and MS

**This is a sequel, to address even more issues I have with the twi series, since there are A LOT OF THEM!**

**Ok, let's do this O_O**

**Chapter 2: Poodles, talentless people, and Michael Sheen**

**Seth's POV**

"Well, thank god that is over." I said as Bella tossed the dead body of our 'creator' into a fireplace.

"You have to burn her; it's the only way to completely destroy the talentless." Bella said sadly. I nodded.

"I feel really bad about this, but I really have an urge to eat that." Edward mumbled.

BOOM!

Another thunderbolt struck the ground outside, and suddenly the door burst open.

"OH FUCK ME IN THE EYESOCKET!" Bella cursed. Stephanie Meyer walked in…looking pissed off.

"THE FUCK!" Meyer snarled.

"Why the hell did you kill me?"

"You let that walking panic attack Kristen Stewart play me in a movie! I had no choice!" Bella snapped.

"EHHH!" Alice squealed.

"You're alive!"

"Gross, that homophobic Mormon is back…"Jacob mumbled.

"Hey guys what…is going on?" Jasper said, walking into the room. Carlisle quickly explained what was going on to Jasper and he stared at the woman.

"Woah…you're super fat for an author."

"What the hell! Are all of you in this world this rude! Look, before Bella so rudely killed me, I had planned on letting you all see these…" She tossed 3 dvd's onto the couch.

"Those are Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse. The three movies that I think all of you should watch…to see that the movies are NOT terrible!"

"Fine, we'll watch them then give you all of our feedback after." So we watched all three…and by the end I was close to throwing up.

"So what do you think? Wonderful right?" Meyer said proudly.

"Why the fuck do I have poodle hair?" Jasper said confused.

"What the fuck was going on with Stewart in twilight in the hospital? Was she having a stroke? Or did her robot parts malfunction." Bella snapped.

"I was douching hard in Twilight...and New Moon…and Eclipse…" Edward mumbled.

"I got pretty hot." Jacob chuckled next to me.

"So was Eric intentionally played gay? Or was that just the actor?" I asked curiously.

"OK! Do any of you have anything NICE to say?" She said, looking completely worn out. No one said anything for a few seconds.

"Nice soundtrack." Olivia said. We all mumbled our agreements.

"And the guy who played Aro was actually a talented actor, and got his gay mannerisms' down perfectly." Carlisle said. We all mumbled in agreement.

"Why the hell did the woman who played Victoria change? The one from the first two movies was much better than that other bitch." Bella said. We all nodded in agreement. Meyer grinned smugly.

"I knew you all liked it."

"Well actually, there was more bad stuff than good." I said.

"Seriously, the poodle hair, the fuck." Jasper said.

"LOL did you see the acting? OMG it was SOOOO BAD!" Alice said. We all laughed.

"Was I the only one hoping for an ass shot of Jacob?" Bella said.

"Oh I was." I said.

"Same." Jacob chuckled.

"But no…they just continued to tease us like assholes." I mumbled.

"But anyway, Miss Meyer, besides the hilariously bad porn class acting and the soundtrack and the guy who played Aro, who is the only good actor in the series, the whole thing, is just awful, just simply awful." Edward said.

"I…wow." She said with a frown.

"Just…wow. You are all so ungrateful, I made all of you, and you repay me by insulting me, my books, and my Oscar worthy movies…just…wow."

"Well it's not our fault your movies are terrible, and you are a worse author than James Patterson. As mother monster says, you were just born this way, this way being a train wreck."

"Ya, I mean think about it, if the cast of the movie were all really ugly, do you honestly think anyone would go see this movie? No, so get over it!" Bella said.

"Seriously, my hair, the hell." Jasper groaned.

"I…I suppose not." Meyer said.

"I have a question." Carlisle said.

"What the fuck, made you try to make a straight love story, but make it so the vampires sparkle." We all held our breath as Carlisle asked the question that was on everyone's mind.

"I…um…" Meyer was getting sweaty, the sweat trickling down over her enormous cleavage and over her fat rolls.

"Oh…um…magic?" She whispered. Carlisle sighed.

"Just…get out of my house." She shuffled her way to the door and said.

"But…I wrote all of you." She whimpered.

"You couldn't develop a Christmas list, let alone relatable characters." Bella snapped, kicking her through the front door and slamming it shut.

"Well, thank god that's over." I said with a smile. Bella shook her head.

"What ever happened to the greats? I mean ya we have some amazing writers now, like the hunger games writer and Percy Jackson writer, but now a day's anyone who has a computer or pen thinks they can just pick it up and write a book…I bet Agatha Christie and Shakespeare rolled in their graves when those god awful books came out." We all nodded.

"Man…but you know what? At least we have some awesome fan fiction." Edward said. We all nodded.

"At least we have awesome fan fiction." I repeated with a smile.

**Aro's POV**

"So…you're telling me you wrote us all?" I said. We were in our main chamber, and this crazy woman was standing in the middle, claiming to have written us.

"And you're telling me Michael Sheen, plays me in the movie based off our book." I said. She nodded.

"Wow, nice casting choice." I said.

"I don't like who you got to play the rest of us though." My brother with the weird name that I can't think of said.

"So what's with the odd names? I mean, my name is Caius…that's weird." He said. I nodded.

"I mean you named me Aro, yet you gave her the name Jane, that's just completely random. I mean at least in the Hunger games she actually named most of her characters after something, like most were named after plants, ours are just…dumb."

"Dakota Fanning? Really? Aro let me kill her please." Jane grumbled, staring at her phone.

"Not yet, I want questions answered, and then you can kill her." I said. I turned back to her.

"So, if you really wrote this, then it means that you are the one who made me lose to the Cullens, without even giving me a chance to fight." She gulped and I growled.

"We so very easily could have destroyed them, considering we had WAY more experience fighting, plus we always win…you know what, never mind, Jane, dust this bitch."

Jane pulled out the most powerful handgun in the world and blew her back to hell where she was spawned.

"Was that really necessary?" My other brother who got no character development so I can't describe said.

"Oh get a job you lazy asshole." I grumbled.

"Ohh damn, I worked with Denzel Washington! Hells to the ya!" Jane said with a toothy grin, staring at her phone.

**Well that's about it, heres to Man on Fire reference in the last line there, and yes, I miss the great authors :[**

**Please review!**

**POODLE HAIR!**


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